glitter in your heart

Every year on the kids' birthdays I let myself reminisce. This year my girl is turning 6. Every year I wonder how it passed so quickly. I couldn't help but look back on my old blog post from my last days of pregnancy with Charleston. I rambled on and on in that post about my walking around the house in tears the night before her delivery. I was full of worries, full of fear. Lacking in faith and second guessing everything. I knew that I would love this baby girl, but I was so scared that I wouldnt be able to love her in the same ways that I had loved on and invested in Carson as my first born. I was also worried that the dynamic of my relationship with Carson would change. Looking back, I realize that you can NOT reason with a woman with hormonal issues any more than you can rationalize with a drunk person. Those feelings and worries, no matter how irrational, were so very real to me at the time. In hindsight all of those things that happened as a result of my having a second child were so good for me, so good for both of my children. When Charleston was born, I did have to stop carrying Carson so much, stop babying him so much and stop revolving my entire world around him, and you know what...that was good for him. Had she not come along, I may still be trying to carry the kid at 9 years old. I am not even joking, I totally helicopter parented the poor kid, I had nothing else to do. Being the second child and my not having so much one on one time with Charleston was actually good for her too. Because of more time to figure things out on her own, she has this independent strength that absolutely amazes me. All of that aside, its Charleston's birthday and Ive had a blog on my heart for my girl, an open letter that I hope she reads and understands one day. Charleston, My sweet baby girl. You are so full of spunk, so full of energy and bursting with joy (sometimes literally). You have a sweetness that surpasses anyone I have ever known. Your hugs, your laughter, your silliness and your smile bring me more joy than you will ever know. There are so many things I love about you. There are so many ways that you are just like me. For some of those things, I am thankful; your love for sleeping in, your love for people, your desire to help others, and your innocent joy. For some of those things I am sorry; your sassiness, your love for sleeping in till the last possible minute (it's a blessing and a curse), and your stubbornness. There are also so many ways that you are nothing like me and in those ways I admire you. You are an independent thinker, never one to follow the crowd, even if the crowd is all doing something cool. You want to make your own mark, do things your own way. You are more determined than any child I have ever seen. I have seen you work so hard to get things until you finally succeed. Recently, you learned to ride your bike and I thought I was going to be the one to teach you. Turns out that sometimes you and I may clash because we can both be kind of stubborn in our ways. Ill blame my red headed spirit and your spunky personality. Thankfully, Jojo stepped in. I watched you try and try and try with a look of determination that let me know that you WOULD be riding that bike by the end of the day. You would not give up. You would fall, and fall hard but each time you would dust off and get right back up. There were no tears, no hesitation. You didn't even take a break because you had your focus on the goal. That amazes me little girl! I pray that you keep that drive. I think that our recent trip to Disney is initially what prompted me to want to leave you a few words of wisdom, areas that you can grow because we can ALL always grow. I specifically remember the day that we went to the bippidy boppidy boutique. It was a big deal for you because you really wanted to do it and a big deal for me, because of the price tag (even after the portion you paid form selling some of your toys). We went in, bought a brand new beautiful princess dress and you got all dolled up. You were absolutely stunning. I remember your sweet face and the joy as you looked in the mirror and saw yourself as I always see you... a true little princess. It wasn't but minutes after that when the "teachable moments" started. As we left the boutique, we passed a little girl who was being made up in the front window where everyone passing by could admire her. You offhandedly commented that you thought they would or should have chosen you as the girl to put in the window. In my mind I agreed, because to me, you are the most beautiful little girl in the world although I had no idea how the criteria for "window girls" even worked. I assured you that it must have cost extra or maybe you had to be a certain age and I tried to help you focus on the positive of your experience. In my heart I realized where you were coming from and I want you to know that you will face this feeling over and over in your life. There will always, always be another girl with more stuff than you, there will be girls who are prettier than you too. Some of them nice, some of them mean it doesn't really matter. Because we are believers in Jesus Christ, I believe (and so do you) that we have an enemy. Our enemy (satan) wants nothing more than to have us focus on what we don't have, what others do have, and to make us sad, to limit us from being effective for Jesus by focusing on things that don't really matter. The MOST important thing that I can teach you is to live your life for Jesus. If you keep your focus on Him, study your Bible, and trust Jesus, you will remember that these earthly things really don't matter in the big scheme of eternity. This life is temporary. our purpose is greater. (I know its hard and the world is shiny and sparkly, I promise I know. Grown ups have the same struggles, just not at Disney World) Make the most you can of what YOU have where YOU are. So quickly we forget about the wonderful experience we just had when we see someone that seems to have something better but comparison is the thief of joy, I promise you that. You will never ever be happy focusing on what others have. Choose to be thankful, choose to focus on what you do have and how you can use it to honor Christ. I can assure you that just as much as there will always be someone with more and better, there will also always be someone with less and worse. Focus on your blessings and helping others and you will know great joy. Not long after those moments, I got you a cup of water and you refused to share it with me. Again, I thought that it was a teachable moment and I tried to talk to you about sharing, giving and being loving. Im not sure if it sank in but I was really trying. The rest of that day, the people at Disney literally rolled out red carpets for you and asked for your autograph. I watched you light up as you enjoyed all of the attention. It was priceless and I'd pay that big price tag again to see the joy on your face. Later that night when we got back to the room you were defiant about a few things and I had to give you some consequences. I think I was over teachable moments by then and I know we were all worn out from the long hours at Disney. I don't remember exactly what I , in my exasperated state, said to you, but I do remember that my point was that no matter how dressed up you were, how much glitter was gooped in your hair and how much makeup was on your gorgeous little face, that it all meant absolutely nothing if your heart was ugly. I think you were crying too hard to hear me and I probably didn't have express myself as calmly as I could have. Oh, my heart hurt that night and Im pretty sure I hit the verge of tears as I prayed that I was investing in your little heart in the right ways. I prayed that my point sank in just a little bit. For all of the times that I tell you how beautiful you are, for all of the money I spend on cute clothes for you, painting nails, and play make up, none of that matters if your heart gets lost in the process. My prayer is that I will invest in your heart more than your beauty. That you will know ( I mean KNOW in the depths of your being and not just your head) your # 5 by heart, that, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." You have this amazing potential for loving and serving others, for making people feel so very special and I am praying hard that God will use that in big ways for His glory in your life. I love you so very much and want the very best for you, my sweet girl. Please listen and try to learn when someone you love takes their time to give you sound guidance and direction, knowing that its out of love. Don't ever think that you know it all or that you don't have room to grow and learn because you always will. Goodness knows your mama still has a LOT of learning and growing to do. You make me so very proud that my heart could burst! <3 Happy 6th birthday! Love and big hugs and kisses! I love you a million bajillion!