imperfections- making room for grace

In my job I see a LOT of perfecting. Photographers make images look flawless and sometimes thats okay. I get it, we want to remember our newborn baby as the perfect angel we see when we look at them (minus the scratches, baby acne, little boogies and spit up stains). Sometimes we want our tummy to look a little more slim so that we feel better about putting a huge image on our walls and thats okay too. But, sometimes its important to embrace/accept our flaws. This is a very personal post for me and one that I hope someone will be able to relate to or be encouraged by. Ill get right to the point and focus on the female body, an issue that hit home with me over the last few months. Everywhere we turn we are told to fix this, nip that, make these larger, get that smaller. I have honestly given sincere consideration to many of these options at various times in my life and I cant say with 100% conviction that I will never ever have any changes done with my body, so please know that I don't think any differently of you if you have. Each woman has her own choices to make, but I know many women who fix one thing only to feel the need to fix another or to make one of those "fixes" better later on. When I married Joey, I knew that he would be marrying a woman who came with emotional baggage and beyond that, he got my physical baggage. Pregnancy (x2) was hard on my 5'2 frame and nursing two babies over about 3 years took its toll as well. It was easy to accept those physical changes when the man who saw my body was the one who got the perk of my body having carried and nurtured his children. When I married Joey though, my body was already "scarred" from having those sweet babies and I faced a bunch of insecurity that I had not dealt with before. The typical response I face when I suggest that I am unhappy with something about my body is that I am so cute and small. However, the reality is that for every woman (myself included), it doesn't matter what others see, insecurity and body image is a very personal thing and we all have parts of our bodies that bother us. So, back to my point...shortly after Joey and I married, I went through this huge bout of insecurity and my husband in all of his sweetness, assured me of his love and of the fact that he absolutely adored every flawed and perfect part of me regardless of any scarring or marks. It was humbling and freeing to know that he loved me, yet a few months later I struggled again. Can I just note here that spiritual warfare is a very real thing. This battle was taking place in my mind and keeping me from doing much more productive things with my thought life. Finally, I called my friend one day after having mentally beat myself up over all of my flaws and wondering what was going on in my mind. My sweet friend wisely said to me, "I think that your insecurities aren't really related to your body or any other body that you may compare yourself to; its your heart, its your baggage, the rejections you have faced in life, its your fear of not being loved." I sobbed on the spot as the words came out of her mouth. I cancelled my plans that night and told Joey I needed some time to just be with God. I pulled out my Bible and my journal and started in psalm 139. I read several passages about the way that God created me, about how much He loves me and I focused on His perfectly imperfect plan for my life. I began to focus on eternity and my purpose in life, which lets be very honest here, goes FAR beyond my ability or lack thereof to look hot in a bikini. I got out my journal and began to write down every lie that I was believing about myself, about my body and how I see myself as a person. It started with the feeling that my body is gross, that the scars left were gross, that I am not enough for societies standards of beauty, not enough to keep my husbands eyes, just not enough over all. I journaled about 5 pages of lies before I even realized it. I had no idea I was believing so many lies about myself. I sobbed and I prayed and I begged the Lord to help me keep my focus on eternity, where bikinis don't matter and stretch marks don't stop me from making a difference for Jesus. I can not even tell you just how amazingly freeing that day was for me. No matter how many times my Joey reassured me, the issue had to be dealt with in MY heart and mind, with my focus on Jesus. There was nothing my husband could say to me that would change it. I cant lie, while I feel like I have come so far in this area and conquered so many lies.. every now and then they still pop up and I literally have to tell myself Philippians 4:8 (Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is TRUE, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.) I often have to remind myself of the way that God sees me and my real purpose in this life. Sometimes I still get caught up in societies standards of perfection. Recently, when we had our family pictures made, our sweet photographer captured a shot of me wrapped up in my husbands arms (no doubt, my favorite place to be). I immediately fell in love with the image and what it represented for me, for my life, and our relationship. The more I looked at it the more I thought that perhaps I should "fix" the image. I could easily just remove a few of the dark freckles, take off that bit of chub hanging over my dress, you know nip and tuck and make it perfect... and then one night as I was looking at the image, I realized that the flaws in it are what make it so beautiful to me. I look at that image and see myself wrapped up in the arms of a man who loves me, thinks I am perfect for him and sees the beauty that attracted him to me, the beauty within my heart. Thankfully my husband loves me like Christ (as the Bible says he should) and gives me a real life picture that inspite of any yucky in my life.. any ugly spots, any bit of chub, he embraces me and loves me fiercely. I am wrapped up safely in his arms with all of my mess. It is a safe place for me to just be me, what a beautiful picture of the same way Christ is with me. Its the mess that I bring to the table that makes me so thankful for his (and His) love. If I were simply perfect I wouldn't need the love so much and I wouldn't be so vulnerable and thankful to be loved in spite of it. It is the flaws, the imperfections and the yucky that make room for grace and it is the grace that makes me so very thankful to be loved when I feel so imperfect.

*Photo Credit- Ashlynne Chapmann Photography- Myrtle Beach SC