Forgiveness

Forgiveness- the action or process or being forgiven

Three years ago I sat at a local church in the balcony, sneaking in late all by myself. I remember vividly feeling so insecure, alone and scared of what my future held. I came through the church doors that morning with a heavy heart, on the verge of tears. I remember the sermon that morning, it was on forgiveness and the focus was on how Christ forgave us and our need to forgive others. I cant remember the bullet points or what I put in my notes, but I remember the way it applied to my life. I had just gone through a divorce, my children's father had just introduced the children to his new girl friend and I felt anger and pain like I have never felt in my life (side note: this isn't a pity party post or casting blame, I have plenty of faults and I had my fair share of blame in the failure of that marriage). Regardless of the circumstances, I knew as I sat in that church pew that I had to forgive. I had to forgive when my heart did not want to, when I would rather never again see people that in my mind caused me such hurt. I remember going home and sobbing and letting the truth of my need for forgiveness permeate my soul. I was coming to terms with it and I knew that if I didnt forgive, I would become bitter. I knew in the very depths of my heart that I didn't want to be an angry bitter person, even if this little voice inside kinda wanted to throw forgiveness to the curb. I was still coming to terms with that part of forgiveness(with the help of divorce care and weekly counseling) when I walked through those church doors the next Sunday. I snuck into my little balcony seat alone, hoping no one would notice me and I heard the sermon topic introduced. It was on forgiveness again... my heart immediately dropped and I talked to God in my head (I do that often, thankfully I keep it in my head so no one knows just how nutty I really am ;)). I am pretty sure that I said something like, "okay God, I get it, Im forgiving... Im trying to forgive, I am letting it all go, giving it to you." I had not even finished my little God argument when the pastor opened the lesson and said that this week we would talk about forgiving... OURSELVES. I remember being so glad that I was in the back of the balcony because the tears came to me out of nowhere and I immediately felt like I had been punched. I didn't realize it, but while I was focused on trying to forgive others (which I need to do, and did) I was avoiding the deep, deep pain I was covering by not forgiving myself. My eyes flooded and as I listened to that sermon my heart was warmed. It is a strange this how one word can bring tears to a hurting heart, even in places you don't realize are hurting. I journaled and prayed through the hurt, the fears, and reasons that I needed to forgive myself. It was absolutely life changing to take all of that hurt and give it to God. I am confident that those two sermons had a HUGE impact on my life, on my heart and on my ability to have peace and joy today. Oh, I am so thankful for the strength to drag myself to church when all I really wanted to do was stay in my bed and have a big sobbing pity party. My life has changed so much over the past few years, in ways that I had NO IDEA were even possible. I was reading in Matthew last week and I got to the 7x70 verse in Matthew 18. I looked over in my commentary and the notes hit my heart again. I never linked this forgiveness scripture with the section before which refers to dealing with conflict with others, going to them in person, then with another believer if they don't listen, and then before the church. The notes stated that the initial "forgiveness" is always for us. It is for our heart and has nothing to do with being a pushover or letting someone run all over us. That initial forgiveness also has nothing at all to do with the other person repenting or asking for forgiveness. What an awesome thought for me (a pushover) to know that the forgiveness is actually to protect me, not to hurt me, not to put me at the hand of others to take advantage of me. The second part of the notes mentioned that one might wonder why we don't just forgive the other person without even talking to them and then let it go (that sounds like a good idea to someone like me, who likes to avoid conflict). I was surprised at this part because my commentary noted that this "part of forgiveness" is for the benefit of the other person so that they have the chance to see the issue and to repent from it if they are in the wrong. This "going to another", is done in love and because of genuine care for another person. Going to them is because I love them and I want wants best for them, for them to have a chance to grow along with me. A friend of mine recently had an altercation with another person who never came to them about the root issue, which led to more pain and hurt. Had the person who was hurt just come to her and told her she was offended, the whole issue could have been resolved and both hearts could have felt that healing. It is amazing that one subject, like forgiveness, can really impact your heart and touch your life in so many, very different ways! This past Sunday our church started a series on forgiveness and the whole focus was about Christ's forgiving us! While I know this in my head, how many times do I take it for granted or doubt His real ability to forgive all of the yuckiness that sneaks into my heart daily. I love what our pastor said about the fact that we often "dumpster dive" in our own sin. It has been trashed, removed from us, Jesus has taken it if we have sincerely given it to him, but sometimes... in those dark hours when we believe the lies of Satan we jump right back to that sin and either relish in it (yuck), or wonder why in the world and how our savior could/would really take it from us. I am so excited to get to hear another series on forgiveness this coming Sunday because I clearly still have a TON of life changing to do. On a side note, below is my "journaling" from the service Sunday. Sometimes we go to the 9:30 and I take notes, and then I sit in the 11:15 so I can hear my sister sing and sit between her and my daddy. I cant take notes all over again so I put my notes into a picture so that I can remember them more easily. Joey laughed and noted (for about the 100th time) how the two of us couldn't be more different if we tried. :) Posting note: I wrote this post several days ago, when it was fresh on my heart. This morning, after several "good" mornings at our house, we had a rough morning. There was defiance, sass, rushing, my lack of patience, my getting frustrated and a big ole mess. Charleston ended up in tears and while I still know she needed a consequence for her behavior.... it nearly broke my heart to walk her into school and still see tears in her little eyes. I typically rush off to work but I had to turn around and go back in to get her. I sat in the front office with her for a few minutes and explained my thoughts on her behavior and the consequence that she deserved (what I should have taken the time to do at home). She apologized to me, and then I had to apologize to her because, while she deserved the consequence she received, I didn't act very loving or patient. I lost my patience with her and wasn't the kind of mom I want to be. It happens, I fail.. and then (thankfully) I get to talk to her about how imperfect I am, how much I need Jesus, His forgiveness, His love for me in spite of the big mess I am and the chance to "restart" our day. I talked through it all with my sweet girl while we both cried and snuggled a bit. I started out my day with forgiveness because I need that at some point every. single day. She, I am pretty sure that being on the receiving end of forgiveness, when you are the one that has offended is just as hard as being on the forgiving end.