happy 9th birthday to my first born...

Carson, My sweet, precious little boy. I can NOT believe that today marks nine years since you were born. I've said it a million times but I really have no idea where the time has gone. I do know that my life has been so much better because you are in it. I know we talk through this story every year and I get all mushy but I want this in writing for you, so you know just how much I treasure you and how much joy you really bring to my heart. It is hard being the first born I bet. I wouldn't know, I was the baby... I got away with more and Papa and Nina were pretty relaxed raising me. But you, you are my first born. The first time I ever had a positive pregnancy test was to announce the start of YOU being knit together in my belly. I was thrilled and terrified all at once. I was scared to even walk at first (yes, true craziness) because I knew that I had THE most precious thing that I have ever had in this world, right there in my belly. I still remember your kicks and the pleasure of having you right with me all day, every day, kicking, jumping, hiccuping, all reminding me that you were there with me. All of the nausea (every day for 6 months), the cramps, the discomfort, stretch marks like crazy, crying about soup... I knew that it would all be worth it for you. I knew from that first positive test that I would do ANY thing for you. It is crazy how a mama can love her child that way, and though I always worked with children and adored them, I could never fully understand the fierceness of mama love until you. You changed my life. You are the first "blood relative" I have ever known. I know that isn't really that important in the big scheme of things and our family is super amazing no matter the blood or genetics because God put me right where He wanted me. BUT, when I saw that first ultrasound, and I saw that little pug nose on your face, I cried tears of joy because for the first time in my life I knew someone who looked like me. That seems so simple but for my whole life everyone would talk about who they looked like, and I didn't have any comparisons. You are an answered prayer in so many ways. You fill a special place in my heart that no one in this whole wide world can. You are a piece of me, literally. Because you are my first, you carry much more weight than your siblings. From the very beginning I had this crazy desire to make everything perfect for you. I wanted my pregnancy to be perfect, but lets be honest here, I could not resist the double cheeseburgers and snickers ice creams, so I gained about 80 lbs. I remember going to the hospital at 5am the morning of your birthday. I labored all day hoping that you would come naturally, but you, my sweet boy, you wanted to stay put. We went to the operating room (even though Nina was worried sick about me) at 9pm because I was starving, ready to eat (or so I thought), and I was ready to get you in my arms. Dr. Burns talked me through everything he was doing and said he was about to pull you out, then he realized you were too big for the incision so he had to make that larger and THEN... I heard the sweetest cry I have ever heard in my life, the cry that made me your mama. That joy is one of the most amazing pleasures that I will ever experience, because you.. my sweet boy were the first. It was all new, it was all amazing and miraculous and every little thing amazed me about you and the whole experience, that this amazing little person had come from within my very body was just baffling in such a beautiful way. I still cant wrap my brain around the miracle of it, the miracle of you. You, Carson Paul, get all of the pleasure (and craziness)of being the first! I know that being the first is hard sometimes and I know that I am and always have been the hardest on you. Please know that everything you experience is a first for me too so try to be patient with your mama and know that I want to do my very best for you. I am learning with you as we go, just like you are. The first time I ever nursed a baby and felt the joy of sustaining another life from my own body, it was you. The first time I bathed a cold, screaming, wiggly newborn.. slap terrified that I would break the baby, it was you. The first time I dealt with colic and bounced for hours and hours on end, it was you. The first time I felt helpless and overwhelmed because another person was completely dependent on me, that was you. The first time I had to hold someone down for a shot and heard cries of pain that made me physically hurt and sob too, that was you. The first time that I ever parented, it was you. The pressure I put on myself to be perfect, to make things perfect for you, my high standards, my mistakes, my learning by trial and error, that fell on you too. I wanted to spend every single waking moment I had with you and I felt like I was the only one who could comfort you the right way. I know now, looking back, that that was a little crazy. Because of this and perhaps your temperament too, you were a mamas boy, no one else would do (like, ever.. even for me to shower). But, Ive said before that you cant reason with crazy and I am crazy about you! You could not have convinced me at that time that I wasn't doing the best for you. I remember sitting in that hospital room right after you were born with your granny holding you and someone brought their toddler in with them to visit. That little toddler was bouncing around right next to where you were with your granny, right near your head and I just knew in my heart that if that child bumped your head, or my gracious, your soft spot.. that your whole head was gonna fall off! The intense emotions (no matter how irrational) I felt were so very real to me. Thankfully, I remember your Granny taking note of my face and "helping" that little child to get to the other side of the bench, away from you. I was beyond thankful that she "rescued you from that certain doom." I am not even kidding Carson, during that first year, I was terrified at the thought of you being hurt or feeling pain. I would have put you in a bubble if I could, for real. I didn't trust myself to do every thing right and I certainly didn't trust anyone else to do it. That irrational fear and lack of trusting that God was there, caring for you too was one of my many downfalls and something that I learned from (thankfully) and did much better at with your sister. Babies aren't nearly as fragile as I had imagined you were, thank goodness. I still remember that every single time you fell as a toddler (when I was around) I would run to you, scoop you up and kiss your boo boo. Granny's friend, Amy said to me once, "You know you don't have to do that every time that he falls." I remember thinking that her comment was absurd and that my very job as a mother was to do just that. How could I see you fall and not do everything possible to make everything better for you? Again, I have learned the hard way that she was right. My scooping you up taught you to depend on me a little too much. Letting you fall sometimes and teaching you how to cope with things is actually the right thing for me to do as a mother. Your sister (not being the first)had the benefit of a mommy who already learned that, because of you. I remember the first time that another child hurt your heart, you know the story, Ive told you before, but what I haven't told you is that I wanted to spank that little kid myself for hurting you. I could feel the heat in my face as I heard him call you an ugly name and I saw the little sadness and pain in your sweet brown eyes and I watched you cry. I tried so hard not to let you know, but I cried too, my heart hurt much more for you than if someone had called me an ugly name to my face. Watching you hurt and trying to help you (knowing you had to cope on your own) was and will probably always be one of the hardest things I will do in my life. I also remember the first time you, my sweet baby, hurt another child. We were at a playground and, being the good "helicopter mommy" that I was at that time, I was nearby when another little girl started crying and told her mama that another child yelled at her. I remember being in shock as the little girl said that it was you. I thought for sure that the kid was confused because you had always been so passive at playgrounds, but the little girl was certain and I took you over and had you apologize. I learned that my perfect child, was just a little sinner just like me and that you were going to make mistakes too. Ive learned that perfection isn't the goal and sometimes its good to make mistakes and learn together, goodness knows I have made plenty. Because you were the first born, you also got some amazing blessings that your no one else will ever get. You had my undivided attention for 3.5 years. I spent hours and hours teaching you, reading to you, playing with you, doing puzzles and workbooks with you. I took you to story time, art time, museums and even to watch plays when you were just a toddler. You learned so much and you were always a thinker, always ready to soak up the next thing I could teach you. You were talking clearly by one, still working on the walking (possibly because I was all to thrilled to carry you everywhere). Once you started walking, you were always content to just be with me. You never ran off and I never had to worry about you getting into a big mess. At two, you knew that owls were nocturnal, among several other random facts I taught you. You were a good listener, and a wonderful student. You have always had this insatiable desire to learn, to grow and to understand things, you are a thinker by nature because God made you that way. During those first few years, you and I talked about everything. I like to think that those years laid a foundation for how much you talk to me now. I love that you still tell me about whats going on in your life. Those few minutes before bed every night when you fill me on on your day, tell me what the kids at school are doing, choices that you struggle with and even sometimes trusting to tell me about any sweet girls you know... those things are precious to me and I hope that you always trust me and talk to me. I am thankful that somehow in spite of all of my faults, all of the ways I have "messed up" that you know my heart, that you know how much I adore you. I know that the past few years have been so very hard for you, hard for us. Going through a divorce was never ever part of what I hoped for your life, but sometimes really hard things in life happen. I know that it sucks, I really, really do and I am so sorry that this is part of your life. I know that bouncing back and forth between me and your dad isn't ideal, having separate parties and holidays isn't ideal, its not what I dreamed for your life, but you have come through this difficult circumstance and your character has grown. I was terrified that the divorce would ruin you, that you would be devastated beyond repair and I know that it has caused a hurt that will forever be in your heart. I held you as you cried and I watched as you tried your best to understand what was happening. Please know that you are loved, the divorce had NOTHING to do with you and there is nothing in the whole wide world that you could have done to change it. You, my sweet boy, are precious and deserve much better, but again, sometimes life is hard and things hurt... we have to choose to grow form the hard times and not become bitter. Remember that "the same water that hardens the potato, softens the egg" stay soft, don't grown bitter. Remember that everyone has hard things in their life and has the couch to respond with forgiveness and grace or to become bitter and angry. Trust me when I say that bitter and angry makes for an awful, m miserable life. Learn from your trials and then let things go, for your benefit, not anyone else's. I am so proud every time I see you choose to let hurts go, to move forward with purpose and to love fiercely in spite of everything. Because you have always been so smart, you have always understood things far more than you should. I wish you could just play in the sand and throw the ball, but your inquisitive mind is far too busy to not ask me a million questions and I hope that you understand me when I try to tell you to play with your legos and let the grown ups worry about the grown up stuff, you will have plenty of "grown up stuff" to think through when you grow up yourself. Somehow, I have started rambling, you know that I am good at getting distracted... but I think the point of this message is to let you know that you hold a very, very special place in my heart. I am so very proud of the amazing young man that you are becoming. I am impressed every time you bring home amazing grades that seem to come so effortlessly to you. Remember that your intelligence is not something for you to boast in (or for me to boast in even if I cant stop myself sometimes), it's nothing that you have done, it comes naturally to you, it is a gift from God. Use it for His glory and not your own. Be proud of yourself because of your good work ethic and character and because of the way you get a chance to live for Jesus. Dont be afraid to grow to your full potential, you are smarter than I could have ever hoped for you to be. I am even more impressed with your heart than I am your grades. I love that you are starting to open doors for me and your sister, make sure you always do for others with humility, out of love for them, wanting them to feel loved, special, taken care of and not because you want the glory of looking like the fine young gentleman that you are, or because you want the compliments and thank you's. Keep your heart in the right place as you serve and keep your focus on Jesus and His glory, that will be priceless. I love your manners, I love your kind heart. I love that you are honest with me when you are struggling and that you ask me about things when you aren't sure if they are right. I love that you are learning to look for the good in others instead of getting frustrated with their faults. I love the example you set for your little brother and sister. I know that you are a rule follower and I always know that you will make sure they do the same if you are around. I love that I can trust you to make good decisions, I love that more than you know. I know that you will make mistakes, you will probably make a lot of bad decisions along the way, but I look forward to walking and talking through those times with you and teaching you through them. No matter what, you will always always be so very loved. There is nothing you can do to make me love you even the teeniest bit less than I do. Thank you for being so patient with me, loving me and forgiving me in the times that I have made mistakes and for being my very first, wonderful little piece of me. You are a priceless treasure sweet Carson and you make me so very proud.